The Illustration Trilogy: Part One
by Chigz
Summary: (The Illustration Trilogy - Three fanfictions, capturing perspectives from three characters on what it means to love, and what it takes to love.) Part One "Can't Wait to Love You" ChrisTrish
1. Lights in December Darkness

The Illustration Trilogy

Part 1 - Can't Wait to Love You (Chris Jericho/Trish Stratus)

**Rating:** PG13 for language, and later mildly sexual scenes.

**Time Frame:** None, really, though there are references and mentions of 2002. No current storylines that the characters are in play a part in this fiction.

**Disclaimer:** The characters are all property of the WWE. The actors are property of themselves.

This is the first fan fiction I'm writing in first person. I just think it will work better for the story if I write in a single character's point of view. If it works, congratulate me!

--- --- --- ---

          The day I let myself fall in love with that man was the day I died. I haven't been able to look at him since, without feeling so deprived, and honestly, robbed. I haven't been myself, the person I used to know so well in and out, for years, and it's all because of him.

          If I could turn back the clock, and never even accept his offer, Lord knows I would. Life doesn't work that easily, though, and I've had to pay for that one mistake every day of my life. I haven't felt so childishly lovesick since I was in High School. I sometimes make myself sick to my stomach out of fury and pity. I fell for him so hard that one single night, it shattered any chance of ever falling out.

          Honestly, midway between then and now, I was able to hold back my feelings of longing to the point I almost felt normal again. I could get through a decent six or seven months without digging myself into a hole I couldn't climb back out of. The feelings had almost worn out, and I was internally rehabilitating myself, just keeping focus on my life, and not the pain I was causing my heart.

          If given more time, I swear I would have made it, I swear I could. God, I just wish I had the strength to keep going, but after having come so far, having almost reached the point I could pull myself back up, I was pushed into the hole again.

          I don't know how many people have suddenly had their lives collapse in a few short minutes, how many people have fallen in love in so short a time, but the pain is unbearable. It was just… so unpredictable. I guess love is unpredictable, but Jesus, the way it had to happen to me. I thought I was going for a walk, and I ended up facing the biggest turn-around of my life.

          I feel so vulnerable. I feel almost naked, stripped of everything. There are no words to even describe what he, what this, is putting me through. I feel like I'm not in control of my life anymore, like I'm a toy, and some invisible person is using me, making all of this happen to me for some reason of their own; like there's an almighty God with power over everything that happens in my life, causing me so much pain for their amusement. Like I'm being written into a horror story. Nothing in my life has gone right since him, and I'm starting to lose hope anything ever will.

          It's funny how life has this ironic way of letting you believe that things are turning up, only to make you fall again, only for everything to become hopeless and worthless again. I've felt like there is no point to living, because every hope I have of moving on is destroyed after I've built up so much courage. Something out there does not want to see Trish Stratus ultimately happy.

          It was three days before Armageddon, two years ago. God, it's pathetic how I remember so well when it happened. I feel that it's been burned into me, like that day, that second I fell, is embedded into my mind forever. I remember it so clear. Clearer than I remember last week, even clearer than I remember this morning.

          We were in Pennsylvania, working a house show in a small city called Erie, and it was so cold inside the arena there that even outdoors in mid-winter felt warm. I might be pushing it a little, saying 'warm', because it was still nippier than most places that time of year, but anyplace felt warmer than inside the arena. 

          My match was up first, and I think it was the worst in my life I have ever performed. The cold made it hard to think, let alone have the tolerance to put on a decent match. Thank God, I only had to put up with it for a few minutes. As soon as I was able, I got the hell out of that building. 

          I walked behind the curtains and down the first backstage hall I came to, trying to remember where the parking lot of the arena was. It took a good couple of turns and circles to finally find it, and when I reached for the door handle to step outside, it turned by itself.

          Christian rushed inside the arena, but stopped a bit startled to find me standing right at the door. He shrugged it off practically immediately and pushed past me. I thought nothing of it, because he's always been a jackass toward me, and by then I had learned how to deal with his arrogance and just ignore him.

          I continued out the door. The handle itself was freezing. This sort of electric chill swept through my whole body the moment I touched the door. The only thing memorable about that show was how ridiculously cold it was there, and how badly everyone performed due to lack of focus on anything but the temperature.

          I'm sure I seemed completely panicked with the pace I flew out that door and down the few steps into the lot. Actually, I'm positive, because standing not two feet away from me, leaning against the side of the building was Christian's buddy, Chris Jericho, who eyed me as I dashed out of the arena. I caught him laughing and shaking his head at me, arms folded, that demeaning glare of his following me, so I stopped running.

          "What's the rush, Trish?" he asked me, that sly two-faced grin slicked over his lips. His breath was hot on the air as he spoke, the steam drifting upward like smoke. I felt so irritated having that preposterous weather to worry about, and now, a man that just loved making me angry interrupting my escape.

          "What the hell do you care?" I looked at him. He was completely dumbfounded, but trying to act like hot shit as always. "It's fucking freezing and you think I have time for dumb questions? I've got one for you, then. Are you trying to intimidate me by standing there in next to nothing while fucking hell is freezing over?"

          He only started laughing more, and unfolded his arms, releasing the tenseness of his body. He was standing there in a goddamned muscle shirt. At first I was only concerned with what he was trying to accomplish showing this stupidity, but then it seemed more so that he was trying to seem tough, but failed miserably in my eyes.

          He took a few steps toward me, and I just rolled my eyes at him and turned back around, trying to remember where I'd parked my car. The quickness of my breathing caused a thin fog in front of me. I brought my hands to my mouth and breathed into them, briskly rubbing my palms together while I walked away from him.

          "You look cold." The way Chris said that, without looking I could tell he'd kept a straight face as he spoke. That lasted a few seconds before he burst into laughter. I was so angry I could have turned around and slapped him in the face, as much as it would sting my palm if I did so.

          "No shit, Sherlock. Why don't you try putting on some clothes. You're not proving any point just standing there like a dumbass, do you think I have time for this crap?"

          He raised an eyebrow at me, but kept his ground and just smiled.

          "Oh yeah, I can tell you're loving this, Chris, but I have better things to do than listen to you run your mouth." I growled at him and threw my hand up all pissed off at his behavior. He just made me want to slap him. There was never anything you could say or do to make that man stop believing he was as godly as he thought he was. There was no point in even trying.

          "Want to go for a walk?" When he said that I had no clue what to think. I just turned around and gave him a 'what-are-you-kidding?' type look, and continued walking.

          "Trish, come on. Let's take a little walk, hm?" I turned around and marched straight up to him. I looked him dead in the eye, gritted my teeth behind my straight lips, and instead of screaming into his face, I just spoke softly in the most pissed off whisper-voice I could manage.

          "Chris Jericho, I do not have time for your games. It is colder than fuck out here, and you…. You are such a jackass, I don't know what to say to you. If you're going to attempt to humiliate me or whatever, do it when it's not fucking forty below zero, alright?"

          I couldn't ignore the cold anymore. I swear my bones were starting to crack in the frigid weather. Thank God it was a roofed parking lot, that kept a lot of the wind from getting to me.

          I turned around once more, and before I could speed desperately to find my car, Chris grabbed my arm and pulled me back to face him. His hands was so hot on my skin it felt like a hole was going to be seared right through my flesh.

          "Good God, you really are freezing!" His eyes were wide with surprise as he let go of my wrist, and I was so cold I couldn't stand it. My eyes were starting to water, the weather was making me so irritable, but more desperate to find warmth. I couldn't think of anything to do but cry, I felt so hopeless. He wasn't going to let me go anywhere; he'd probably love seeing me so hurt.

          On the contrary, he seemed to really care that I was in pain from this blistering cold. He just looked at me in shock for a few moments as a hot, steaming tear drizzled down my cheek.

          "God, go back inside, woman!" His voice was almost begging. I think he just realized from the feel of my skin how absolutely worn down I was from this temperature. I could barely move, it was so fucking cold.

          "It's colder in there."

          He raised both his eyebrows, and his jaw dropped a little at my saying that. He turned and rushed back toward the outside wall of the building that he was standing at. He bent down and grabbed his oversized jacket and hurried back toward me, standing motionless on the concrete.

          I conjured up just enough energy to raise a hand in protest. "I don't want it." I closed my eyes and shook my head. "I don't want it. Just… let me leave, please."

          Chris didn't respond for a bit, and while I didn't want to wait for him to come up with another smartassed remark, I stayed still, trying to avoid having him talk down to me again.

          "Yeah, yes, just go. God, please just get out of here. I'm sorry, I didn't know you were so serious." He sounded somewhat sarcastic, like he always does, but I took his words seriously, and turned to leave. It was even harder to move now.

          "But I wanted you to take a walk with me."

          I stopped again, and threw my hands in the air, sighing heavily. "God damn it!! I give up! Fine, lets go on your stupid walk. Jesus Christ!"

          "No, but I said you could-"

          "Shut up and let's just fucking GO!" I snatched his jacket right from his fist and stretched my arms through the sleeves, sighing deeply and blinking to keep more tears from falling. I didn't bother to zip the jacket up. I felt just the slightest bit relieved at the momentary warmth that washed over me, before it subsided to the threatening cold.

          We walked down the city sidewalk without speaking a word to each other for at least five minutes. I kept my head down, only looking at whatever was in front of my feet as I struggled to walk without falling to pieces. He seemed rather interested in the things around us that I was missing. As we went to turn a corner, he stopped, but I kept moving only a few steps before realizing he wasn't going anywhere.

          I lifted my head up and looked at him a few seconds before catching out the corners of both my eyes the dazzling atmosphere around us.

          The street was filled with Christmas lights and decorations. The dark of the night was overruled by the sensational colors of the marvelous lights around us. I couldn't believe I'd missed all of this as I was walking. It was beautiful. There wasn't a single house or building along the street that wasn't completely dressed in lights and plastic decorations and… it was gorgeous. It was like nothing I'd ever seen before. The whole city was in lights; such a small city, but so lively with spirit and color. The sight was absolutely breathtaking.

          My eyes were so wide at all of the amazing decorations. I'd never seen so much beauty in Christmas lights in all my life. The place was just soaked in light, a spectrum of sizzling, glorious light.

          I looked back toward Chris, and found his eyes were fixated on the sight as well. He smiled as he looked toward me and found me so transfixed. He looked at me like he'd just seen an angel. He licked his lips and walked the few steps it took to meet up with me.

          "I wanted to take someone out here to see this, and you're the lucky one that came through that door first."

          I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The sincerity and wonder in his voice right then sort of captivated me. I looked him dead in the eyes, and his were so warm and happy, they just filled me with the same emotion. The cold didn't even matter for a few seconds.

          He turned his head back toward the houses on the street across from us. "Glad I didn't let you leave?" That smile never left his lips. He just seemed so pleased with himself, but not in an egotistic way, like he normally did.

          I would have turned to look at the lights again, like he had, but I couldn't get my eyes off of him. I took a little while replying to him, just sort of relished in that look of his I had never seen until now.

          "I- I don't know about that, but… wow. It is… it's really something. It's… they're beautiful." I finally managed to look away from him and admire the beauty around me. I never thought I'd be moved so much by lights. Just ordinary Christmas lights. But there were so many of them, they pierced both the dark and the cold of the night, so gentle and heartwarming.

          Chris didn't seem like such an insensitive, heartless bastard for once in his life. It felt like absolute hell to confess that to myself, but he didn't. He seemed like he actually had a soul, and he actually felt something besides self-adoration that night.

          He turned to look at me, as I did to him, his smile growing wider. His eyes, which were always like locks, seemed open. They usually always just masked everything and locked away every emotion I never thought he felt, until then. I could purely see into him, and see the warmth somewhere inside him in those big blue eyes. The lights shining toward us from all directions were reflected in his eyes, and his smile was so bright and childlike, he was just… open.

          "Want to head back?" He asked, his wide smile slowly fading to just a slight curve of the lips. I couldn't really say anything in reply, I was so deeply worked into him, into his gaze. He cocked his head to the side and softly hummed, trying to grab my attention and pull me from my daze.

          I nodded at his inquiry, not really wanting to leave that moment just yet, leave the beauty of the city around me just yet, but I knew that much longer in the cold and my life could have been taken by that awful chill as the wind picked up.

          We didn't speak a word to each other the whole walk back. We didn't speak when we left the arena that night. We didn't talk at all for the next few following weeks, and when we did then it was only when I returned his jacket, which I'd forgotten to give back that night. He just saw me back to the parking lot, to my car, and allowed me to leave without saying a word.

          I fell for Chris Jericho that night. The one man I would never have dreamed of even coming close to loving, even remotely liking. I fell for him, and fell hard, and since then, I have not been able to rid my memory, my dreams, my nightmares, of that beautiful night in December, two years ago.

          I'm shattered now; shattered, broken, stripped piece by piece every day. Those feelings have never left me. I can't imagine how they ever could. I'm such a fool to keep one night in mind over all the times he's stepped on me, hurt me, called me names, humiliated me, and made me feel disgusting and trashy. He's always so arrogant and self-occupied. He's still Chris, and I keep seeing through that. I know it's the one thing that is going to destroy me later on.

--- --- --- ---

          Well, chapter one complete. Tell me what you guys think, please. I'm not even close to being done. I have a feeling it's going to take a long time before part one is done, let alone the whole trilogy. The first story is obviously Trish/Chris. The second will be Lita/Jeff (Lita's viewpoint), and the third Lita/Christian (Christian's viewpoint). Am I off to a good start? Let me know. =) I promise I will be forever in your debt if you review.


	2. How Secrets Turn to Lies

The Illustration Trilogy

Part 1 – Can't Wait to Love You (Chris Jericho/Trish Stratus)

**Rating:** PG13 for language, and later mildly sexual scenes.

**Time Frame:** None, really, though there are references and mentions of 2002. No current storylines that the characters are in play a part in this fiction.

**Disclaimer:** The characters are all property of the WWE. The actors are property of themselves.

--- --- --- ---

          After shows and local events for the past few weeks, I'd made a habit out of sitting in my hotel room alone. I'd just barricade myself inside for a good few hours, trying to drown myself in the emptiness and silence there. There was a paperback book I'd bought months ago and never had the chance to read, being on the road so much, and having the room to myself gave me the perfect opportunity to do so.

          I didn't expect myself to actually pay any attention to the story, so it didn't surprise me that I was unable to concentrate on it. I just sat in a lounge chair in a corner of the room, holding the open book in my hands, staring blankly into the words.

          I turned the pages every once in a while, trying to convince myself that I was actually reading, but flipping a few pages and rubbing the pad of your thumb across the dry ink on the paper barely counted as reading.

          Every time I tried to set my mind on a task, I'd only drift further into my thoughts and end up settling on him. Whenever I even pictured him, I felt a part of me burst into flames. After two years of feeling this way, I had managed to control myself and my emotions, but I ended up falling twice as hard seeing him with her.

          He had been dating Stacy for the past month, and God, no matter how hard I tried to just let go of him and get over my immature fantasy of being with him, and get over my love for him, I couldn't, I can't. I just got so jealous, I felt close to bursting. A piece of my heart had been ripped right through my chest. There simply wasn't anything left in me.

          How he could warm up to anyone, let alone someone as fragile and sensitive as Stacy, was beyond me. If he couldn't love me, as awful as it sounds, how could he love her? I wanted to kill myself for thinking that way seeing them together. I just… I couldn't help it. I wanted it to be me he was with, me he had warmed up to, me he was kissing and holding. 

          But the only good I ever was to him was for teasing and treating like dirt. He just didn't have any interest in me otherwise. God, what I felt for him that night and ever since… I wish I wasn't so foolish. I don't understand how after he had always been such a cruel jackass to me, a one-time look in his eyes had me melted and… fallen for him for good.

          I could kill myself for letting that one night decide the rest of my life, but I wasn't in control of it. There's nothing you can do to stop these feelings, the burning emotions, when they hit. Hell, I've denied endlessly that it's not love at all, and I'm just lovesick, pining for something. But it's been two years… I don't think I can deny it no matter how hard I try anymore. I just can't.

          My heart breaks when I see them together. It has broken over and over again. Stacy is crazy about him. The two of us have always been friends. We travel together, see each other almost every day, we've grown pretty close having to spend so much time together, but we've never been sisterly really, just good friends.

          God, how I just want to be with him. I just want to tell him. If anything, just casually bring up that night to him, even generally, just… anything. If I just had to bump into him someday and just mention it to him. "Hey, remember that night in Erie during Christmas one time…" It was hard to even do that, because… it was hard to talk to him.

          After Armageddon, we'd gone back to the bitter enemy stage. I still don't know why he took me out there, what he was trying to do to me by bringing me with him for that walk, if he had just known I was going to fall in love with him or something. But he obviously didn't care if I had, and he obviously couldn't see it in me afterward. I was just 'blondie' to him again. I returned to just being one of the many people he had no care for.

          But God, he's with Stacy! Stacy, for crying out loud! I don't even know how those two work together, they're like the odd couple. How he can put aside his love for only himself to love someone else, someone like Stacy… God, I wish it was me…. But, how he could be that way with someone seemed so strange to everyone else, and so painful to me.

          The door handle turned, and I jumped out of my thoughts into reality. I still held the book in my hands, which were just trembling slightly, but now my focus was turned from my thoughts to the door. 

          "Hey, Trish!" I recognized the voice before I could clear my head in time to recognize the face. I just shook the distant look off of my face and smiled at her.

          "Hey, Li. What's up?" I tried concealing the feelings of distress I was drowned in from my appearance, hoping she wouldn't notice in my eyes how I'd been feeling. Lita was always good at those things. She just seemed to know. I amazed myself keeping my feelings for Chris from her so long. Two years and counting. 

          She slid her jacket off and hung it over the arm of a chair by the door.  She walked straight into the bathroom of our apartment, but continued talking to me. I heard the faucet running in the background as she spoke.

          "Eh, nothing. The lobby downstairs has a café. Stace and I were down there with a few of the girls." Li seemed kind of exhausted, and I really wasn't in the mindset to be having an intelligent conversation with her, but I tried my best to hide that anything was bothering me.

          "Sounds like fun… was Chris with her?" Everyone had been talking about the two of them since they started dating. I wasn't the only one that thought they were so wrong for each other. I wasn't the only one surprised at how Chris suddenly showed feelings for someone else. I wasn't the only one surprised that Stacy could love someone like Chris. She was too nice, and too sensitive and fragile, too good a person to be with him. It was odd how she could love him.

          God, I felt ridiculous thinking that. _I _loved him. How could _she_?! Everyone thought it was crazy the way _Stacy _fell in love with that man, myself included. But _I_ did. _I_ fell in love with him, it couldn't be so impossible for someone else to.

          "Hm… no, he wasn't. I don't know where he was. Stace was talking about him though. She is head over heels, I just do not understand it." She walked out of the bathroom, toweling off her face, and looking at me as if examining for something.

          "How'd you get so far in that book? I've never seen you reading it before." Her eyes were turned, full of question, and her voice was still tired, but her tone was bright, and she seemed curious. 

          I looked down at the book and realized I'd flipped so many pages, I was in the last section of the story. "Oh, I've… um, been reading it for a while. Before I fall asleep every night, I read some."

          Lita shrugged her curiosity off and thought nothing of my reply, or so I thought. It was perfectly reasonable; she always fell asleep before me. The jet lag and road travel affected her sleep more than mine, I guess.

          "Oh," she said nonchalantly. She put her towel down and walked toward me. She sat on a corner of the bed, which my chair was next to, and for a few moments just looked at me, an unreadable expression on her face. Her eyes skipped from place to place in the room, and she bit her bottom lip into her mouth. 

          She sighed deeply before she began talking. "Trish, honey, you haven't really been acting yourself lately… are you okay?" She put a hand on my shoulder. I stared into my book for a while before closing it and sitting it on the floor between the chair and the bed.

          I couldn't look at her. I couldn't. My eyes would show, if I looked at her, that I was hiding something. She would know, and I couldn't risk that. The reason I hadn't let anyone in on how I felt, even my closest friends, was so I wouldn't be tied down to the emotions forever.

          "Yeah, Li… I, I'm fine. I'm great!" I made a desperate and deliberate attempt to sound painfully giddy, so she couldn't expect anything to be wrong. I guess I tried too hard it seemed obvious I was trying to conceal something from her.

          I never bothered telling Li about Chris, or that night, or anything, any of the madness I'd driven myself to. I wanted to grow out of the love I felt for him, and if I told her, I'd be keeping alive all of the feelings I want gone. I figured that somehow, if I just kept struggling to hide how I felt, they would all disappear inside me. If I told Li, if she knew, I'd never be free from this.

          Apart from that, Lita hated Chris as much as I did. She didn't mind Stacy being with him, because the two of them weren't close. Chris being in a relationship kept him away from her. Li always spent her precious time defending me from his harassment, and his cruelty to me. Lately I welcomed anything from Chris. If he had something mean and degrading to shoot at me for fun, I didn't mind it so much, because anything was better than being ignored by him.

          "You sure, hun?" She looked up at me. My eyes were turned from her, and the way she asked, it was more than obvious she knew I was lying. I couldn't look her in the eye and say that there was nothing bothering me. I would have broken into tears that very second, having to lie to her face.

I already wanted more than anything to be able to tell her. Hiding anything from Lita killed me. We had been best friends for so long. We hardly kept anything from each other. We really had no choice. Traveling with a bunch of guys, the women had all bonded. Li and I shared hotel rooms from the beginnings of our careers. She knew everything, and I was so inexperienced at keeping secrets from her.

"I'm positive. I don't know why you'd think anything was wrong." I shrugged my shoulders at her. Finally I made eye contact with her, though the look in her eyes burned me through and through. It hurt her to be lied to, I could see it. She trusted me more than anyone, and for me not to return that trust killed her. Just that look in her eyes made me want to confess everything and say it, say what I'd been hiding for two years from her. But I was hiding it for myself, not because I didn't want her to know. It was because I couldn't say it.

Lita's eyes shut, and she looked as if she was holding back tears, but being the amazing friend she was, she didn't push me to tell her anything. She just grabbed my hands and whispered to me, eyes open and warm, "I believe you. Trish, sweetie, I… I know this is going to sound so cliché, and so overdone, but… Trish you know you can trust me, and you know you can tell me anything, and if… if you ever need me, well then I'm here always. Always, hun…"

God, it hurt so badly to lie to her like that. Part of me didn't even know what or why I was hiding. I'd been so distant from Lita, and from everyone, since it happened. I've tried so hard since then to just give it up, give up feeling anything for him. He hadn't changed, as much as I wanted him to, he hadn't. It didn't matter what I saw in him that night, because I saw something that didn't last beyond then.

I stood up and bent over Lita, wrapping my arms around her and giving her the biggest, tightest hug I could manage. If I couldn't be open and honest with her anymore for my own well-being, God, I just had to let her know how much she meant to me some other way. She was more than a friend to me, knowing that she cared so much and so deeply about me and how I felt, it was wonderful, and made all my worries and fears disappear for a moment. I loved that girl, always have.

"Lita… you're the greatest. But, really, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm…….. I'm fine."

She knew by the trembling in my voice, the struggling I had to do to follow through with my denial. She knew I was lying. I could feel it as she hugged me back. She felt betrayed as a friend. Lately everyone I talked to felt betrayed by me. My trust was running so slim, my contact with people was so much less than it ever had been. If only Stacy and Chris… if they hadn't put this on me again, I would have made it.

Jealousy struck me the first time I saw them together. Chris had never acted so awfully to Stacy, like he had me. I guess he always liked her, and that's why he'd never treated her cruelly. 

I was the first person out of that arena. I was just in the right place at the right time. It could have been anyone else. He was just waiting for someone to walk with, it didn't matter who. Just by luck, I walked out of that door first. I was the first person to pass him. Christian had a match after mine, so he didn't have the time to be the one Chris took. And I did. I refused him, and he would have let me go, but I changed my mind.

So just like that, just by making a stupid mistake, walking with him when he even said I didn't have to, I ruined my own life. Just by luck, it was me. Just by luck, he took me. Fate, luck, whatever it was, that was the reason that I fell in love with Chris… and it didn't take long before it was destroying me. One night has the power to do so many awful things to you. Change you completely. God, it could have been anyone else.

Anyone else, but it was me. Love strikes like lightning; it's impossible to know where or when. It just had to be me out there… me, damn it. I had to fall in love with my worst enemy, and now he had to be in love with one of my friends.

--- --- --- ---

So, there we have it. Trish is losing everything she has because of something that happened two years ago. I think I had some tense problems while writing this, but I'm too lazy to go back and fix them. I don't usually write in first person, can you tell? Anyway, I'll keep the chapters coming if you keep reviewing!     


	3. Overdue Confessions

The Illustration Trilogy

Part 1 - Can't Wait to Love You (Chris Jericho/Trish Stratus)

**Rating:** PG13 for language, and later mildly sexual scenes.

**Time Frame:** None, really, though there are references and mentions of 2002. No current storylines that the characters are in play a part in this fiction.

**Disclaimer:** The characters are all property of the WWE. The actors are property of themselves.

--- --- --- ---

          It took a lot of convincing, but Li finally managed to get me out of the room. She took me to a diner a few blocks down from our hotel. It was an old Victorian-looking building, so elegantly presented from the outside, but so comfortable an atmosphere inside. After all of the pleading Lita had to do to bring me along with her, I was glad I ended up going after all.

          I didn't order much to eat. Day by day my appetite changed so much. One day I'd be too depressed to eat, and the next I would stuff myself out of anxiety. Lita ordered enough for herself to feed both of us, so I ended up eating half of her meal and hardly touching mine.

          Lita did a great job of getting my mind off of myself and my problems. Of all of my friends, Lita was the most spirited, and she'd put her whole life on hold to make others' better. There's not a single thing I could do for her that would repay all she's helped me with. 

          We spent another hour or so after finishing our food just talking, but Li never mentioned that I looked sad or depressed. She never brought up what we had just talked about earlier in the hotel room. I was extremely grateful that she could leave that topic alone, because it made being there a whole lot easier for me.

          That was the last weekend for a few months that we had off. No shows to go to, no autograph signings, no appearances. Li and I had the whole weekend to relax, but I hardly managed to do any of that. I wanted to see Chris so badly it hurt. Every time I looked at him, I felt a knife pierce through my heart, but for some reason unbeknownst to me, I desperately wanted to see him that weekend.

          He didn't have to talk to me; didn't even have to look at me. I just wanted to see him. Maybe if I saw his face in person I could get the image of him out of my head. It probably wouldn't work so simply, but I figured an image stuck in your memory was like a song you can't get out of your head - if you listen to it once, it's not lingering in your mind anymore.

          My reasoning was always terrible. If I saw Chris in person once, he'd still be on my mind twenty-four hours a day. I couldn't help falling in love with him, and I'd known for a while then that I really was. Of all the men I'd been with in the past, which honestly there haven't been too many (I always loved being single) I had never felt for someone like I did for Chris.

          I never believed that any of the men in my life really loved me. It's hard to accept someone proclaiming love to you when they barely know you inside. The only reason I ever thought any of them "loved" me was for my body, my fame, anything like that. When one of them expressed their love to me, I never found the ability inside to love them back, because I couldn't return what I didn't feel was true.

The way I thought back then was perfectly reasonable: if someone claims it, but doesn't truly love you, you can't truly love them, because in your heart, you don't feel a real, true, honest connection or love. I used to believe that was human nature; that no one can love without being loved.

I felt so foolish for believing that theory long ago, because since then, I myself had proven it wrong. Chris hated me and I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. Though I've tried to rule out the possibility of what I feel actually being love, I know inside of me that I'll never feel that way for anyone else as long as I live. That alone proves that it's love.

When Lita and I weren't working tighter schedules, the two of us and a few of the girls would take a few days for ourselves all the time. It's just been so hard to do that anymore, so Li finally getting me out of the apartment was a blessing.

After we had some to eat, and a long talk about how hectic work has been, old memories, a lot of little things here and there, we took a walk from the diner about a half-mile down the street. We stopped at a bar for a short while to pick up a few drinks and head back to the hotel.

As soon as I stepped in the door, the smell of beer and whiskey poured from the inside of the bar into the street. It was so thick in the air, I almost gagged when I took a breath. Li winced when we first walked inside, but we soon got used to the heavy smell.

It was a typical looking bar, dim lighting, a couple old card and pool tables scattered in the back, football on the television. It was pretty crowded inside for a late Sunday night, a little uncomfortable for me. I never did much bar-hopping without Lita, and we'd mostly follow the guys into bars after Raw went off air, not on our own. She'd always joke with me about being stalked by drunken fifty-somethings back to the hotel if we went alone without the guys. 

Li turned to me, mumbling some words I could barely hear over the clutter of voices in the bar. I was somewhat able to read her lips, so leaned over her shoulder to respond.

"Get me whatever you're having," I had to almost yell over the drowning mist of voices in the air for her to hear me. She nodded and walked to the counter while I walked, hands pocketed in my jacket, to the back of the bar to look at some old tilted pictures that hung on the wall.

As I scanned the wall, sidling leftward across the floor, I picked up several bits of conversation behind me that I had no right listening into; mostly casual talk about cars and sports and chicks. Amongst the chatter of meaningless everyday bar conversation, I recognized a laugh. A sort of high-pitched, warm giggle, much too familiar to be a random drunk girl. That was definitely Miss Stacy Keibler.

I twirled around to face her, ready to greet and chat with her, but the very second I opened my mouth, my words were stifled. She, Chris, Christian, and Matt were sitting less than ten feet away at a table packed between others. I jumped at the sight of them, and quickly scooted backward against the wall.

Immediately my eyes locked on Chris's face, as I knew they would the second I saw him. A bright smile clear and distinct on his face, he held Stacy's hand next to him below the table. Christian leaned over the table and said something to Chris, then he and Matt left the table to pick up something else at the bar. Empty glasses sat in front of Chris and Stacy, who were now alone at the table.

The two of them faced away from me, but I had a clear view of them from the wall. Stacy leaned into him, resting her head in the nook below his shoulder. Her hair fell over his chest, and he brushed the back of his free hand over her head, gently placing his cheek on it. He raised their hands, fingers interlocked, out from under the table, and pressed his lips to the back of Stacy's small hand.

I'd seen them together before, but it just dawned on me as I watched them that it was serious, what they had. Stacy was with the man who should have been mine, and she was devoted to him in the sincerest of ways. It was obvious, and I refused to believe it until I saw them together, in a bar of all places.

Lita spotted me at the back of the bar, and she followed the wall to get to me instead of weaving through the tables. She noticed that I was staring at something, and followed my gaze to Chris and Stacy. She joined me in looking on for a little while.

"Ahhh… love," she said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. She handed me the drink, and watched as I raised the glass to my lips and took a long, thin sip, my eyes never leaving the couple.

"Yeah, really….. love…," I replied. Those words pained my heart so greatly, even though I just barely breathed them. I noticed that my response had sounded a bit sorrowful and depressive. I never could hide my feelings well in the presence of Chris. 

As we looked on at them, my own conscience started malfunctioning. I wanted to just dive between them and pull Chris away from Stacy's gaze. I couldn't do that though… not to Stacy. Not after seeing how much she truly did love him. But Chris, on the other hand… I still had this idea that if he couldn't love me, he couldn't love anyone at all. 

Lita turned to face me, but I was too transfixed on Chris to pay mind to her. She traced my gaze back to the table, and then to me again.

"I don't think they'd be too happy that we're talking about 'em."

I shook my head and finally managed to turn away from them and look at Li. "They're used to it," I said. "Everyone else does. It's mostly because of him." I gestured toward Chris, and took one more long sip in a series of gulps, finishing my drink. I couldn't even tell what it was Lita had ordered us, but it went down smooth and refreshing.

"Well, Chris has never had a relationship with anyone in the business. That alone is bound to start some talk. I don't think I ever met any of his past girlfriends." Lita hummed, and looked back at the table. I couldn't focus on anything she said. Her words ran through my head in a blur and I couldn't, at the time, distinguish any of the thoughts she had pointed out.

It took so much to just stop my eyes from watering. Of course I wasn't the only one who knew what it felt like to watch the person you love act affectionate with someone else. This wasn't Stacy's fault though. She didn't even know. She, along with everyone else, thought I still hated him.

How hate could turn to love so quickly was beyond me. It was the most sudden change of heart I'd ever experienced. Maybe it was the glint of those lights in his eyes as he looked at me, or maybe just _how _he looked at me. He had never seemed so warm before. So… not Chris.

Maybe it was just the warmth that radiated from him as we walked through the streets. Maybe, the chivalry in him that I'd never seen before, when he seemed to truly care for me by offering his jacket.  Maybe, how he insisted that I go with him, when he could have just as easily waited for someone else he liked better.

Watching him act with Stacy how he did with me that night, so concerned, calm, affectionate, generous, selfless… it only made me want him more. It made me pine for him. It made me unable to stand that I wasn't Stacy. It made me so fucking jealous, I just…

"What was this, Li? I'm gonna get some more." I held up the glass and cocked my head at her.

"Special blend… I wanted to try something new, so it's not generic. Actually I have no God damned clue what he even called it, just ask him to refill it." She took a sip. "It's good though, ain't it?"

I didn't bother to respond. I walked slowly through the tables, trying to stay out of both Chris' and Stacy's line of vision. I paused for a few seconds near their table while Matt and Christian were walking back, attempting to hide myself in a group of people. I heard Chris whisper lightly into Stacy's ear, and I told myself that I was just "overhearing" rather than spying.

"Stace..." He nudged her up off of his shoulder and kept his face close to hers, holding her hand cupped in his on her cheek. He paused, looked downward, and swallowed before making eye contact with her again. "Would you ever leave me?"

The way he said that to her, so vulnerable and delicate sounding, made me want to cry. I raised my hand to my mouth and bit the tip of one of my fingers between my teeth, continuing to watch and listen. I just prayed Lita wasn't watching this happen. She'd know right away something was up with me.

Stacy smiled at him reassuringly. A warm, loving smile, that I could read so very easily. She turned her palm away from her cheek and locked her fingers with his, lowering both their hands between them. She leaned forward and pressed her forehead to his, looking up into his eyes, whispering onto his lips, "You'd have to really screw up for me to ever want to do that."

Then she kissed him, and it was too much for me to bear. I felt cold chills run down my spine, and then everywhere on my body. My hands were shaking furiously, and I nearly dropped the glass in one of my hands. I turned and mustered up the energy to just continue on toward the bar. I didn't want to order, I didn't want to be there. Why did I have to witness that, to hear those words?

I almost slammed my glass on the counter, pulling up a stool. I sat down on it and nearly collapsed right there. I folded my arms in front of me on the table and buried my face in them, squirming in order to rub the tears from my eyes.

A cold sweat broke on me, and I felt dizzy, nauseous, sick, and numb all at once. I couldn't control the tears springing from my eyes. That kiss was too much to handle… hearing their words was too much. Being there… I shouldn't have been there.

Trying forever to deny that anything I felt was real, and then trying to deny that what Chris had with Stacy was real, and then this, and… oh God, I just… so many things were happening to me at once. My head was throbbing, I couldn't make sense of any of my thoughts, I thought for sure I would pass out if I wasn't sitting down right then. I felt a hand on my shoulder, the chills rushing through me again.

"Honey, oh my God, are you okay?!" Lita quickly pulled the nearest stool up close to me, and sat down, obviously as confused as she was worried.

"Oh my God… Trish, what happened? What's wrong? Talk to me… oh sweetie. God, what… what happened."

I turned my head in my folded arms to face her. All of the makeup I was wearing ran in meandering streams down my face. I shook my head, trying desperately to avoid this nightmare becoming the truth. Reality struck me at once, like it never had before, and I realized just how pathetic I was.

"Li.. I, I….. I can't do this… I…." I could barely talk. Between sniffles and outbursts of breath I tried explaining to her. I couldn't hide this anymore. And I had done such a good job up until then…

"Lita, I… Chris…"

"Honey, calm down… tell me." She began stroking my hair and trying to comfort me, the concern obvious in her expression and her tone. This was too hard for me to even begin to explain, let alone think of _how _to.

I shook my head violently, slamming one of my fists on the countertop. I didn't even try to speak, I just kept crying. It was all I could do. The feelings in me bunched and knotted up so tightly, I felt ready to burst. I was out of control, both physically and mentally… just trying to tell Lita was another obstacle to me.

"Trish… Trish, say it, tell me. It's okay, it's alright. What's wrong, sweetie?"

I looked up at her, my head still resting on the cold table, my arms loosely wrapped in front of me. I blinked enough so that I could see through my stuck-together eyelashes and running cosmetics, and took a deep breath. "Lita…" I bit my lips together, trying to bite back more tears as I reached within me for enough courage to say what I'd been hiding for two years.

"I can't do this… I… you're right about there being… something, something wrong with me. I lied. I'm not… alright. I'm not fine. God…"

Lita tried coaxing me on, brushing my hair out of my eyes and wiping tears from my cheeks. She looked at me, her eyes full of pain for me.

"Li…" I took a final deep breath and closed my eyes. I couldn't look at her as I said it, and I said it quickly, because I couldn't even stand to hear it after what I had just seen. "I love Chris."


	4. There is No Answer to Why

The Illustration Trilogy

Part 1 - Can't Wait to Love You (Chris Jericho/Trish Stratus)

**Rating:** PG13 for language, and later mildly sexual scenes.

**Time Frame:** None, really, though there are references and mentions of 2002. No current storylines that the characters are in play a part in this fiction.

**Disclaimer:** The characters are all property of the WWE. The actors are property of themselves.

--- --- --- ---

          "Wh… what?" Lita looked at me dumbfounded, like she hadn't known what I just said, or she just didn't want to believe it. I laid my forehead back down on the table, and curled my arms around my waist, holding them tightly to me, underneath the counter.

          "Trish… what did you say?" The cold chills running over the surface of my body now seemed to soak into me through my skin. I felt so cold, and yet so hot at the same time. I felt like the words that had just left my mouth had killed me in the process.

          "You heard me, Li, I know you did, don't make me say it again, I don't know if I can, it hurts too much, just believe me." Everything I thought just poured through my lips in a jumbled mass of words; everything in one sentence. I couldn't even tell if I'd spoken loud enough for her to hear me. I shook my head while it rested on the countertop, trying to block out everything, trying to sink through myself, through the floor, out of that bar, and out of my own head.

          I couldn't look up, but I felt Lita's eyes intensely burning on my back, in disbelief of what I'd just said. "What Chris are we talking about here?" Her voice demanded an answer, breathed in what I could only describe as stupefaction.

          "'Cause seriously, Trish… if the Chris you speak of is… um…" She cleared her throat before continuing, her voice catching air between words. "Is, uh… well…"

          I looked up at her, my eyes glassed, blurred, fogged over so much I could barely see, and my heart racing faster than my speeding thoughts, and said in the most serious voice I could manage between tears and whimpers, "Jericho… Li, Chris Jericho."

          Li bolted up, and stood over me, eyes wide with consternation, and flared her arms out at her sides. "Trish, wha-… with all do respect, have you lost your fucking mind?! Do you know what you are saying to me?"

          I turned around on the bar stool, and attempted to stand, but quickly realized that my knees were so weak I couldn't begin to support myself. I took a deep breath, wiping the back of my hand across my eyes one at a time, and pointed in Chris' direction, where he sat with Stacy.

          "See that man right there?" I stated plainly and directly. I turned to face Lita, my eyes again welling up with tears. I cautiously tried to stand up again, grasping onto the end of the counter for leverage. I brought my face close to Lita's, and looked her straight in the eyes. I could only whisper to her. "Lita…. I'm in love with him."

          In her face, in her reaction, I could see that for the first time since I began, she had taken my words seriously. She still looked so confused, but for the most part, just awed. She grabbed hold of my shoulders, and sat me back on the stool. I brought both my palms to my forehead, trying to regain control of myself, wiping the sweat from my head.

          I fully expected Lita to start pummeling me with 'why's and 'how's… but she started with "how long?" I could hardly reply to that… 

          "Oh, way longer than you'd expect… it's been…" I took a deep breath, and kept my head faced downward from her. "Li… let me just tell you, it's been… a long time."

          Lita didn't continue with her questioning, she just slid an arm around my waist and pulled me back up, helping me out the door. I couldn't leave without one last look at him… I turned my head and just stared at Chris as we hurried out of the bar, waiting until we were outside to shed more tears.

          When we got back to the hotel, I explained everything to Lita. I had already said too much by just admitting my feelings for him, I had no choice now but to explain it to her. I told her of everything that happened that night, most through unstable words and dark tears.

          I told her how the look in his eyes, and his warmth in that fatal cold, and the serenity in his voice as he spoke… how they all changed me. How everything he'd done up to that point didn't matter to me anymore, and I just couldn't change back.

          As I recalled the place, the day, the hour, the whole past, something occurred to me. It was my own fault I had fallen in love with him, nothing he did.

          I walked out of that building at just the right time. It could have been anyone else. I could have waited ten minutes more. It wasn't his choice, it was nothing he saw in me that let me be the one with him that night. It was nothing about either of us. I was just in the right place at the right time.

          I let it get to me. I let that whole night get to me, and he didn't. That was why I fell in love, and he could go on being himself, thinking nothing of it. Nothing of anything. Nothing of the magic that undoubtedly circled the two of us… the magic that only I felt.

          Lita sat next to me on her bed, and handed me a damp washcloth as we talked. It seemed like there were a whole mess of questions backed in her mind that she couldn't speak.

          "Thanks, Li." I whispered, taking the cloth from her hand and dabbing it over my cheeks and forehead. "You know, I feel like an idiot. I'm not usually so weak."

          Lita laughed. "Weak? Honey, you're one of the toughest girls I know. I don't even compare to you in that ring, and you've always handled emotional situations better than me." For the most part, that was true. Li usually did a good job of hiding herself from others, but she'd break if she couldn't take something. I'd kept this bottled for almost two years without a single breakdown in front of anyone.

          "Then why do I feel so insanely weak now? I just told you something I've been dying to get out since the beginning. Finally I told you, and I'm supposed to feel better… but I guess now that I'm not just keeping it to myself anymore, I can't just ignore it like I've been doing."

          Lita scooted closer to me and put a hand on my shoulder. She smiled at me; a sort of sympathetic smile that on it's own told me 'everything will be okay'. She brushed my hair back, and said, "You're still going to be shaken up. Telling me doesn't solve it, but I swear I will do my damnedest to help you. I'm so glad you told me, Trish, because it has been eating me up inside trying to figure out what's been wrong with you without forcing it out. I've been worried, sweetie… really worried. I've never seen you act like that before… you've been so isolated and distant. It killed me. I… still can't believe that Chris, of all people, is the one that's done this to you. It was like you were in another world, and I've been seriously mentally scared for you."

          She started to well up with tears herself. I almost couldn't imagine why I had kept this from her. She out of anyone deserved to know. She had been my best friend for years, and I've never tried hiding something so serious from her. I had more reasons than one not to tell her, though. I had to keep what was left of my sanity, and I actually doubted telling her was a good thing to do. She leaned over to hug me, and I more than willingly returned that act of friendship, but I felt more worried for myself after telling her than I had before.

          "I didn't think Chris could do this to me either. Well, I did it to myself but… Chris made me so, ugh… I don't even know what I am trying to say… I've asked myself, and God, and everyone 'why' so many times." I broke away from Lita and wiped my eyes again, trying to gather enough strength to keep them back for the rest of the night. "We have a show tomorrow, I can't stay focused on this, Li…"

          "It's alright, Trish." She nodded. "You've done a hell of a job centering yourself on all of the other show's you've done through this."

          I nodded with her. I had been able to focus on my matches and work well since it happened. It was when I was alone or around him that I'd fall apart inside.

          "But still… Chris," she said, "I can't believe it's _Chris_. "

          "After two years… neither can I. Neither can I." I took a deep breath and continued, "And the worst part is, Li… he'll never know. I'll have to keep going like this until it wears off, and I'm sure it will someday. Probably a lot longer after he's been with Stacy. I wouldn't be able to tell him now anyway. I love that girl, I couldn't do that to her."

          "Trish, I don't think you could do that to _yourself_. If you love him as much as you say you do, and it hurt so much just telling _me_… imagine telling him. Especially since he has absolutely no idea."

          "You're right," I said, taking another deep breath and pressing the still-damp cloth so tight to my forehead that water soaked out of it and ran down my face. "And it's been so long, he probably forgot. I'm lingering on something that will never be more that a dream. The only time I had ever considered telling him was a few days after it happened, but I couldn't even do that. If I had been able to, I wouldn't be stuck like this. If I had just told him then… maybe he wouldn't be with Stacy, maybe…"

          My hope of being able to keep the tears back failed as I blinked and streams fell from both my eyes, mixing with the water that drained from the washcloth. I lifted up my shirt and wiped my face in the dry fabric before pulling it down again.

          "Sweetie, I… hate to say it, but I think he'd still be with Stacy. I mean… Trish, he went right back to being the jerk he's always been after that one… _one night. _You didn't know that you'd fall for him, and neither did he."

          The truth in what she said broke my heart. Of course he hadn't known. He wasn't trying to get me to fall in love with him by taking me out. Like I'd told myself over and over, it could have been anyone. If I had been a little late in getting out of my match, if that arena wasn't so fucking cold, if I had gone back to the locker room first… I could have walked to that parking garage and he probably wouldn't have even been there.

          "Lita… I don't want to love him anymore. I don't want to, I never have wanted to." I swallowed hard and ducked my head into both my palms. "Ever since it happened, I've been trying to force the feelings out of myself. I don't want them to be there… I want to get on with my life, be able to look at him without remembering Erie and our walk. Jesus, it wasn't even 20 minutes… how can you fall in love with someone you used to hate, in less than 20 minutes? I'm so stupid. Damnit!"

          Immediately, Lita countered my words. "Trish, you are not stupid! Don't ever say that again. Ever! You didn't know. You didn't do this, no one did this! As ridiculous as even I find it that you fell in love with Chris Jericho… I can't blame you, because you didn't ask for it. You're not stupid, and… love doesn't have rules. 20 minutes, two years, an entire lifetime, it doesn't matter… it happened. There's nothing you could do to stop it… and that sure as hell does not make you stupid."

          We sat in silence for the next few minutes. Everything she said sank into me. It all made sense, but it still didn't explain why it happened to me, and why after so long, I still felt like this. It showed no signs of stopping, and with Stacy in the mix now, jealousy only made me want him more, and regret that night more.

          I gave Li a final, long hug. An embrace saying everything I couldn't put into words about thankfulness and love and appreciation. "Lita, I… am glad I told you. You never let me down… thank you."

          "Not a problem, sweetie. Anytime you need me, I'm here, okay? Just get some rest now. You've had a long day. We can talk about this later."

          I nodded, stood up, and took the washcloth to the bathroom, throwing it in the sink. I didn't bother taking a shower; I was so exhausted. I changed my clothes and went straight to my bed. Not long after, Lita got changed, turned out the lights to our room, and retired to her own bed.

          "Night, Trish. Sweet dreams, honey, I'll see you in the morning."

          "Good night, Li…" I said, turning over to face the open window of our apartment, looking into the city skyline. I still couldn't fall asleep until a few hours later.


	5. Out in Front, Out in the Open

The Illustration Trilogy

Part 1 - Can't Wait to Love You (Chris Jericho/Trish Stratus)

**Rating:** PG13 for language, and later mildly sexual scenes. (But I didn't say who, so don't jump to conclusions. ;-))

**Time Frame:** None, really, though there are references and mentions of 2002. No current storylines that the characters are in play a part in this fiction.

**Disclaimer:** The characters are all property of the WWE. The actors are property of themselves.

--- --- --- ---

          I woke up the next morning with the sticky remains of my tears still crusted under my eyes. Lita was still sleeping, and she had a few hours more to rest before we were supposed to check out of the hotel, so I didn't make an attempt at waking her up.

          I laid in bed for probably a half hour longer, glancing around the room at nothing in particular. The previous day's events rushed through my mind, appearing in black and white when I closed my eyes. The sound of a quickening rain outside devoured my thoughts, to my delight, and I finally rolled to the side of the bed and stood up.

          My body felt so tense, and even stretching wouldn't stop the aching, so I decided to luxuriate in that pain that was overriding my emotions. I walked into the bathroom and turned on the faucet, letting hot water run into the tub. Thick steam rose from the scorching water, clouding the ceiling with a foggy mist.

          While the bathtub was filling, I walked toward the sink, and took the washcloth out, wringing it dry, and pouring fresh water onto it. I splashed the cloth over my face and looked into the mirror, brushing my hair back.

          I didn't look half as pale as I had the night before, but my eyes were still dark and miserable looking. I put on a fake smile, but it did nothing for my sorrowful expression. I just turned the faucet off and walked back over to the tub.

          Taking a deep breath, I inhaled the heat in the air, the rising smoke flowing off of the searing water. I bent over and turned the knob marked 'H' until the water stopped pouring from the spigot. Leaning a bit more, I grabbed the other knob and turned it until a rush of icy water splashed into the pool of hot liquid.

          While the rest of the water filled up, I undressed and hung a towel from the rack adjacent to the tub. I turned off the cold water, and carefully stepped into the tepid mixture. Slowly sitting in the tub, I tried to relax and let the warmth and relaxation comfort me.

          It had never felt so good to be alone. I actually felt refreshed, even though I knew as soon as I stepped out of that mindset and went to the show that night that I'd feel just the same, if not more hurt, as I had the day before. But for the moment, I let sereneness engulf me, and I made a desperate attempt not to think of Chris, or confessing to Lita, or any reality of the day before.

          After the bath, I dressed myself and got ready to leave the hotel. I walked back out into the room to find that Lita was awake and packing. "Hey Lita," I said plainly as I walked back to my bed to fold the sheets and blanket over the pillows.

          "Morning, Trish." She took a deep breath, and continued bagging her belongings. "There goes our last free weekend of the season."

          "Oh, thanks for reminding me," I said sarcastically, with a hint of laughter, as I rolled my eyes at her. "Way to rain on my parade, Li, I was having a good morning." I smiled wide and walked toward her, sitting on the end of her bed.

          "Well, by the look on your face, I'd say you still are." She met me at the end of the bed and put an arm around me, sitting beside me. "How are you holding up, babe?"

          I took a few seconds to think before I replied to her. "Well, knowing I'm going to see him today, after telling you, I'm not sure." I looked over at her, my eyes honest on hers. "I just hope Stacy isn't with him or I might do something I'll regret. Yesterday I just felt like diving between them and laying myself out in front of him, no more secrets."

          "I know sweetie, it's hard… I'm sure you'll be fine tonight. Just… whatever you do, make sure you think before you act." She gave me a short hug, and stood back up. She zipped her bag and put it next to the doorway. "Here, I'll help you pack."

          When we were finished checking out of the hotel, we drove for half the day to the next arena. We would have left the night before were it not for the delay I caused. I was sure everyone else had been checked out and were already nearing the city we were performing in that night.

          The car ride was mostly spent listening to the radio and talking about our show. I could tell Lita was having a difficult time not bringing up my situation, and it was obvious she didn't know when was a good time to talk about it. It was a nice effort made on her part to respect my feelings and give me some time to relax.

          We pulled into the next hotel first, and unpacked quickly, leaving the things we needed for the show in the trunk of our rental car. We had one hell of a time trying to find the arena, since Lita and I had never been there before. The guys we worked with who had tighter, more full schedules had been there, but Li and I had trouble remembering the last time we were even in the city.

          She and I went straight to the locker room, having to ask a few people for directions first. The rest of the girls were there, even though only two of us had a match. Lita was battling Molly. Their match was second on the card, and it was already ten minutes into the show.

          Victoria and Molly rushed up to us, telling Lita to get ready, and elaborating on the fact that we were late, even though it was just a little bit. "I guess we shouldn't have stopped at the hotel first, huh Trish?" she asked, looking over at me. I giggled and shrugged, helping Li unpack her gear.

          "Hey Trish, I saw you at the bar last night!"

          I looked over my shoulder and saw Stacy standing over me. My eyes widened. She had seen me at the bar?… That couldn't possibly be a good thing. Not at all.

          "Y-you did?" I choked, grabbing a few things out of Lita's bag and then turning to face Stacy, sitting on the bench.

          "Yeah! I was going to say hi, but I was with Chris and everything, and you looked… kinda like you had better things to do than talk to me, and Matt and Christian were there and, well, I couldn't really get out of talking with them."

          I didn't catch half her words. I was just shocked at the notion that she had seen me. When? What was I doing? How had I not seen her see me! I felt a feeling of doom cross me, almost like an 'uh-oh' type feeling that can't really be put into words.

          "When… did you see me? I didn't, um, see you there," I lied.  I did a terrible job of hiding that I'd seen her, I just tried to minimize the guilt the best way I knew how- cover up.

          "Hmm… well it was maybe a few minutes before you left," she said. Immediately I knew she had seen me crying, and I felt like I had boxed myself into a corner. How was I going to worm out of this one? "You looked sad, did something happen?"

          She sounded so innocently concerned; chipper but still behaving like a loyal friend. I retaliated with more false excuses. "Oh, um… no, I just felt sick to my stomach. Yeah, Li helped me out. I guess it was just the smell in the air. And it was really hot in the bar."

          She sat next to me. "Oh, I'm sorry. Do you feel better?" I nodded and smiled at her, trying to back up my lies with a show of appreciation for her generosity.

          "Well, look, Trish… we haven't really been able to see much of each other lately, and uh, and I miss all the hanging out we used to do, you know? Whaddya say after the show we go grab some ice cream or something?" 

          I hesitated a bit, trying to come up with an excuse. It wasn't that I didn't want to spend time with Stacy. Quite the contrary, actually, I really missed palling around with her, but I wasn't sure we'd be able to get through a night without Chris being brought up, and how I would handle that… God, I don't know. "Um, yeah that sounds great actually, but… I think Lita will probably want to go straight back to the hotel after her match and… we only have one keycard and I don't want to wake her up by knocking or anything."

          So my excuse was a bit farfetched…  but it worked. Stacy said that she was disappointed, but we could get together sometime during the week. That came as a relief to me, because I had a feeling that if I had gone that night, I would have been faced with something I couldn't deal with.

          The rest of the night I pretty much kept to myself. After Lita's match, which she won very cleanly, we went to catering where we got some snacks.  Soon after, we went back to the hotel and settled in for the night. We had another show the next day and wanted to get a good night's sleep.

          "Li, do you want something to drink real quick? There's a vending machine down the hall," I asked her, turning the handle on the door slowly.

          "Uh, sure! Grab me a lemonade or something sugary." For some reason, sugar and caffeine always helped Lita sleep. That was one thing that I found incomprehensibly odd about her, but it was something unique to Lita, and brought some comfort to me.

          I stepped out of the room and left the door open ajar behind me. The hall I walked was completely vacant, the air still and silent until I rounded a corner and saw, again, Chris and Stacy. Everywhere I went, they were. It was as if the two of them were unconsciously trying to ruin any moment of peace I found.

          I took a breath the moment I saw them, and stepped backwards so that I was behind the corner, peering slightly over at them. I was going to have to wait until they were gone to buy the drinks.

          I hadn't even known they were staying at the hotel; that was another ironic part of having them everywhere I went. It seemed like something in the air, something I couldn't see or feel, was doing this to break me. That whole 'puppet on a string' simile came into play every time I saw them.

          Stacy was leaned up against the door of what I could only guess was either she or Chris' hotel room. Chris stood to the side of her, leaning with one shoulder against the wall, and playing with Stacy's hair with his other hand. Even the slightest gestures of adoration they used on one another made me ridiculously jealous. I couldn't feel anything but loss, hopelessness, and pity for myself.

          The same "I love you"s and affectionate phrases I had grown to be used to rung lightly through the wide hall, stinging my ears not nearly as bad as the first time I'd heard those three words from them. I couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like to be the one Chris was speaking to right then.

          It wasn't the words they said, or the tone of voice in which they were spoken that stuck me right then. I noticed something familiar in his eyes when he told her goodbye. That was the same look he gave me when we were together in Erie. As he told Stacy he loved her, he was looking at her with exactly the same expression, same soft, warm eyes, same sweet smile. Everything was the same… 

          My heart started beating a million miles per second, and I lost control seeing that look in him again. I had never seen him look at anyone else that way, but I could see it so plainly now. The same look he gave Stacy, the woman he claimed to love so much, was the look he had given me before that threw me head over heels for him.

          I didn't know what words that look was attached to when he gave it to me that night. I still couldn't read that, as open as he was. But now, he had given words to that numbing stare. Words for Stacy, but still, words that were part of that look of his that I once received. That look didn't just belong to me anymore… it belonged to the one he loved, and the notion of that gaze meaning 'love' was something I couldn't even bare… because it was only mine for some time.

So many questions started to flood through my mind, taking my train of thought away from everything that wasn't him. I swore to God that was exactly the same intense, truthful, open look… his eyes so delicately warm through the ice blue color. His lips so soft as they curled. The sweet, subtle proof that everything he said to Stacy was true, but I still refused to believe. 

If he loved her with that look, what was it for me two years ago? As they shared a kiss and Stacy departed down the hall, I stepped out from the corner. Chris retreated to his room, shutting the door behind him. I eyed the vending machine just yards down the hall, but my heart drove me straight to Chris' door.

I had no idea what I was doing, but the moment, my heart, my mind, everything in my was captured in thought of what that gaze really meant. I lost my sense of control, and any other sense I had… and before I could bring it down, and turn away, my fist was tapping on the steel door of his room.

As the handle turned and the door slowly opened, I realized just where I was, but I couldn't turn back. He saw me, and I saw him, and for the first time since so very long ago, I had _willingly_ put myself in front of Chris Jericho.


	6. What it Means to Love

The Illustration Trilogy

Part 1 - Can't Wait to Love You (Chris Jericho/Trish Stratus)

**Rating:** PG13 for language, and later mildly sexual scenes.

**Time Frame:** None, really, though there are references and mentions of 2002. No current storylines that the characters are in play a part in this fiction.

**Disclaimer:** The characters are all property of the WWE. The actors are property of themselves.

--- --- --- ---

          "You don't love her. You don't. You can't." My teeth were gritted and I put the most intense, burning leer in my eyes. I wanted him to feel every single god damned emotion I had felt the past two years, just by looking at me. I wanted to burn into him exactly what he had into me. I wanted all of the pain in me to soak out and into him through my eyes. I wanted it to kill him, like it had me for so long.

I was breathing so heavily, I wondered if he had even heard what I was saying. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes; it was already getting hard to see. My face was beginning to feel flush, and the rest of my body was numb as hell, I could have collapsed right there and not even known it. The only thing I could feel in me was the weakness in my legs, and how fast and hard my heart was pounding. 

I was cursing myself inside my head. I knew this was so wrong. Everything was so wrong. I shouldn't have even been there, but I already started talking. If I was going to turn back and run, it was too late now. It was too late for me to save myself from what I'd been hiding from; rejection, or anything else. I didn't even know exactly what I was afraid of, I was just scared to death of him, how he made me feel, how he looked at me and spoke to me and, God… it was just too late.

          "Wh-… what?" His eyes were squinted questioningly, and his brows were furrowed. A look of utter confusion masked him from me, what I'd really wanted to see in him, what I was trying to get out of him. His hand was still on the doorknob, and his lips were parted just the slightest bit.

          "You heard me. You don't love her." I shook my head at him slowly, my eyes were connected with his, unwavering. I tried to hold back the blinking, afraid I would lose him if I lost eye contact. I had him right where I wanted him, and I would make him see it all right then if I had to, in any way I had to.

          If he didn't love me with that beautiful look in his eyes, he couldn't love her… I wouldn't let him.

          He was silent for a few moments. The air around us was silent; nothing made a sound but our breathing. My heart was pounding so heavily in my chest, I couldn't catch my breath at all. I couldn't swallow, I couldn't gather myself or any of my emotions. I felt ready to be killed then, in that silence.

          "Trish, I know you're Stacy's friend, and… and I know you want to protect her and all but listen, I-"

          "No, I'm not trying to protect her." I had to interrupt him. He had completely the wrong idea, and I could tell he was a bit scared of me because of the deep tone in my voice, but… I wouldn't let him talk… he couldn't mention Stacy. He couldn't mention loving her because I knew he didn't.

          "Then what the hell are you here for? I'm not going to hurt Stacy or anything if that's what you're worried about!" He threw his arms out by his sides. That was all I had time to catch before I had to close my eyes. I shook my head furiously and lowered my gaze to the ground between our feet.  I couldn't listen to anything he had to say, and I couldn't calm my breathing, I couldn't focus, I couldn't do anything. Nothing, but deny everything I was hearing and everything in my head.

          "No, Chris, you don't get it!! Stacy… this isn't about Stacy, it's not! You _don't_ love her. You _can't_… you can't…" I could feel my heart catch in my throat, pounding so hard it was painful. I felt like my chest was on fire. It was like I wasn't alive, or everything I felt right then was part of a dream. 

          "Yes, I can. I do." The seriousness in his voice when he said that shattered me. It kept echoing in my head, paining me more inside every time I heard it. God, I wished I hadn't been there. I wished I hadn't heard that.

          Hearing those words, I felt my whole body go limp, and the only way I could steady myself was to cling to the wall. Blinking rapidly to hold the tears in my eyes back, I looked back up at him, raising my head slowly. He looked right into my eyes, the sincerity in every word he spoke evident. That alone broke my heart in two. He really did love her…

          I shook my head at thinking that, my eyes fluttering shut. He stood in the doorway watching me as I disintegrated myself, as I killed myself with thoughts. I just managed to mouth "no".

          Swallowing deeply, I managed to gather the last bit of energy in me and confidently look up at him, into his eyes, keeping the tears back. "Say it then." I kept a straight face, focused on his eyes, while anger and defeat shone in mine. "Look into my eyes, and tell me you love her. Say it."

          He looked away for a brief moment. I could tell he was as concerned as he was confused, and as emotionally wrecked as I was. He quickly turned toward me, locking his eyes on mine, narrow but open. Taking a half step forward, and he said in the most honest and serious voice I'd ever heard him talk in, "I love Stacy."

          Losing control of my body and every single fiber inside me, I clutched onto the front of his shirt. Gripping as tightly onto the fabric as I could with both hands, I twisted and balled them into fists, shaking and trembling as I let go of myself, my nerve, every ounce of self-control I had.

          I took a few steps so that I was right against him, and with all the force I had, pushed him backwards so that both of us came crashing to the floor inside his room. I had him pinned, and I climbed over his chest on my hands and knees until my face was straight over his. My hair pooled over the sides of his cheeks and neck, just touching his skin. I looked into him, trapping him, giving up everything inside of me while I kept my eyes on his. A narrow, almost disgusted look in my eyes, I just shook my head again, refusing to believe what I was hearing.

          "No…. you don't." Instinct wouldn't allow me to hold back anymore. I felt like a ghost inside myself, with no control whatsoever over my actions. I leaned in and crushed my mouth against his, delivering the most passionate, intense, lusty kiss I could manage. I had no idea what I was doing, and I knew full well I wasn't right in doing so, but I wouldn't stop until he pushed me away. Lita said it herself… 'love doesn't have rules".

          I fisted his hair above his head as I practically took advantage of his mouth. I felt so horrible, but for some reason I couldn't stop. All of the denial and anger I held pent up resulted in this, and if I was never going to have him, if he was just fated to be with Stacy and not me, fate was going to have to deal with my jealousy.

          The moment my lips touched his, I knew he didn't love me. I knew it. There was no spark, no electricity, no chemistry at all. He didn't kiss me back. He didn't refuse my kiss or push me away from him, but he didn't kiss back, because he loved Stacy. I knew that right away, and yet as hard as I tried to pull myself from him and stop the madness I was displaying to Chris and to myself, I couldn't.

          Tears escaped my eyes, sticking to my eyelashes like dew to a blade of grass. I felt no use trying to hold them back this time. I'd ruined everything else for myself just by being here, by not using common sense and turning back when I had the chance. It couldn't possibly get any worse by crying. The tears streamed hot and sticky down my cheeks, falling beneath me onto his face. Nothing mattered, nothing, so I didn't try to stop myself.

          When I finally needed to stop for breath, I pulled my lips from his, and he seemed desperate, not to force me away, but to calm me down and figure out why I was doing this. He took the time I allowed him by catching my breath to try holding me back and getting an explanation. His eyes were so wide, seemingly out of fright, or confusion, or disbelief, worry, any of those things were possible.

          "Trish, wai-," he began, but I wouldn't let him get much more out. The distance between our lips vanished again, and more tears sprung from my eyes. I kept asking myself inside my head what the hell I was doing. I was causing more pain to myself doing this to him than I had beforehand. I felt so lost and scared, the only option I felt I had was to stay there, just continue while God knows what Chris was thinking.

          I started crying so hard I couldn't even kiss him anymore, which was sort of a relief to me, because I had no right to be doing that in the first place. I felt so unlike myself, so lost, so worried, confused at my own actions and why I was there. I had nothing to accomplish, no good could have possibly come from that.

          I pushed myself away from him, recoiling at his side. I sat on the floor, and ducked my head between my knees. I just let loose everything in me; the frustration and anger was too much to handle. My whimpering and crying started to erupt coughs, and I made it so hard for myself to breathe. Phlegm mixed around in my throat, and the tears soaked my palms as they dripped like rainwater from my eyes. I felt so out of place, so hopeless. Almost dead, but not quite dead enough for me to be happy.

          "Just kill me," I said, but my voice was muffled enough by the whimpering and my hands covering my face that I'm sure he hadn't heard it. I almost screamed, not at Chris, not at anyone in particular. I just wanted out. 

I went through everything in my mind, everything that had just happened. It all appeared randomly and out of sequence. I considered just running out the door and back to my own room, but I couldn't run anymore, and I felt like if I stood up I would just collapse on the floor. I refused to even open my eyes for fear of what I'd see. I was still hoping it would all turn out to be a horrible nightmare.

          I felt his palm on my shoulder, but I shook my head at any contact, trying to cry myself out, perhaps to sleep or something. I threw back my head and bit my lips together, attempting to hold back any more wailing or sniffling. I had been possessed, that was the only logical conclusion I could come to.

          "Trish, what's going on? Tell me, come on… talk," Chris said to me. He said it in the same voice he'd spoken to me with in December, but this time more forcefully and demanding. His hand ran up and down my arm, trying to relax me and calm me down. It was hardly any use. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want him anywhere near me. I wanted both of us to forget I had even stopped in the doorway.

          "Shh… calm down…  Trish, wh-… what was that??" He turned his body around to face me, and he pulled my hands from my face, thumbing my palms and bringing them to his lap. "You're alright, come on…"

          I felt his palm on my cheek, his fingers gently sweeping the remaining tears from my eyes. His skin felt cold on mine, though it was still warm. My face was so hot, his touch felt like cold needles. I kept shaking my head at whatever he spoke. I could hardly listen. I kept telling myself he wasn't there, wishing for it to all be over. I had gone absolutely crazy in my eyes, and I lost more than I had bargained for by being there. I wasn't planning on doing this. I wasn't going to ruin him and Stacy. I wasn't going to kiss him, I wasn't.

          "Talk to me, Trish, what's going on?" I could still hear the shock and worry in his voice. He kept pleading for me to talk, but I had no idea what to say. I couldn't explain myself. I had no excuses, and now, after what I'd just done, I certainly couldn't confess anything to him. Nothing. It wouldn't work. I just wanted it to end. I literally, for the first time in my life, wanted to die.

          He sat next to me, facing the opposite direction, whispering to me and coaxing me, just trying to get me calm. It almost started working before I began crying again. I felt so childish, so immature, unable to handle myself. Being there was the most difficult thing I had ever been faced with.

          "Oh, Trish… come on… shh, there's no need for this." He seemed sorry for me, and I was actually willing to accept his pity. I could tell with every breath he took that he was more frightened by me with what I'd done right there than anything I'd ever said or done before.

I could tell he was just as scared as I was. He wanted answers, and he felt both violated and concerned. He seemed not to know what to do. He handled himself and that situation so much better than I ever could have. He didn't reject me and kick me out because I had kissed him out of no where, forced myself on him, invaded his room and demanded things from him that he normally would have done more than shake a fist at. 

I stayed there on the floor, rocking back and forth in a desperate attempt to wreck my train of thought and bring myself back to life, out of that awful mindset I was in. Chris stayed next to me, trying to get me to say something. I figured he wanted an apology, but I didn't know if I was strong enough to give him one. 

I could tell he was upset, and continually shocked at what had taken place, but more than anything he just wanted me to stop crying. He wanted an explanation, and for some reason I felt like he wanted to help with whatever it was that made me act that way. We both felt trapped. I could feel it in his very slight touch as he sat there with me, encouraging me to relax and talk. He was just scared for the life of him because of what I had just done. Neither of us knew why I did it.

That was the closest I'd ever been to him, but ironically, I had never felt so distant from him. The closer I got, the farther from myself I became, and the farther from Chris. That was the second big mistake I made, and it just proved to me that none of it was ever meant to be, and these feelings I had were in sympathy of myself for never having loved someone before.

--- --- --- ---

Well, sorry I haven't had footnotes in the last few chapters. I just wanted to get them posted ASAP. Thanks for the reviews everyone! I kinda scared myself while writing this chapter. Lots of intensity, too much for me even. And a lot of the feelings written hit close to home, so it took a while to just figure out how to put a lot of what went on with Trish into words. Anyway, I did it! I think. Oo Well, please review me! Thanks to everyone!


	7. The Wrong Side of the Lock

The Illustration Trilogy

Part 1 - Can't Wait to Love You (Chris Jericho/Trish Stratus)

**Rating:** PG13 for language, and later mildly sexual scenes.

**Time Frame:** None, really, though there are references and mentions of 2002. No current storylines that the characters are in play a part in this fiction.

**Disclaimer:** The characters are all property of the WWE. The actors are property of themselves.

--- --- --- ---

          We sat for what must have been a full five minutes in absolute silence next to each other on the floor. I could feel my emotions drowning me, choking me and squeezing all of the air from my lungs. The air around us felt toxic; so hot and misty. My breath fell heavy in that air, and the only thing I could taste was him.

          My shaking and trembling slowed to sudden short quivers, like spasms in my arms and legs. I wrapped my arms around each other and felt the moisture in my skin; the thickness itself was nauseating.

          The feeling I had for a few moments was that if I just tried with the only strength left in my body to ignore that he was there, the distress and horror I felt would disappear. Nothing seemed real to me at that point. I could clearly and distinctly feel him near me, though I'd struggled to break contact, and refused to look at him. I couldn't even settle enough to sort what was physical pain from what was emotional pain.

          I forgot even where I was, or what I'd been doing. Nothing true occurred to me, only the pit of lies I'd dug myself into. I couldn't hide from his gaze, but I would stop at nothing to resist allowing him mine. It was safer to pretend that I wasn't there than to turn around and have to face him again. I couldn't do it. I had lost absolute control of my body, mind, everything in me. I didn't even feel like Trish anymore. I felt like only an empty casing, with emotions painted in dark colors on my skin; nothing on my face internalized, nothing even close to being real.

          The door was still open, and the cold air outside his room mixed with the sickening, devouring heat rising from my flesh, and his. That air outside carried Lita's voice into the room, gradually getting louder, and it was right then that I snapped instantly back to actuality.

          "Trish? Where'd you go?!"

          My eyes shot wide open, and I jolted up from my crouched position, shoving my open palm into the door and standing up to lock it shut.

          "Oh shit… oh shit, oh shit… no, no, no… oh God." I started thinking out loud, panicking, still unable to control anything that I did. I sat back down against the door, facing the inside of the room. My eyes wandered across the ceiling, skipping from corner to corner of the room, and then settling on the window.

          I shook my head violently from side to side, shutting my eyes closed tight and biting my lips between my teeth. I dug my fingers into my hair, fisting, gripping and pulling at sections on either side so fiercely that if Chris hadn't stopped me, I swear I would have pulled my hair straight out of my head.

          He locked his hands around my wrists, and my grasp lessened quickly. I opened my eyes and looked up at him, some cold expression leaving my eyes and searing into his. I pulled my arms away from his fists but he followed my action and pinned my arms above me against the door.

          I shut my eyes tight again, in rage, trying to resist him. My breathing was so heavy it hurt my chest, and as the hot, moist air left my lips, it sank in the even hotter air around us.

          "Look at me." He demanded so softly that it almost felt like a whisper. He knelt right in front of me, pulling my arms back down to my sides. My back was pressed tightly against the door, and my legs were balled up right to my chest. "Trish… look at me."

          I forced my eyes shut so tightly they felt cemented together, and I shook my head at his request, denying any contact, even just a glance. I couldn't look at him… if I had, I would not have been able to take it. I was sure by then Lita must have searched up and down the halls for me, but I no longer heard her voice.

          "Open your eyes." He was so close I could feel his breath on my neck. Not only did it feel impossible to open my eyes then, I was afraid of what I'd see in him if I did comply. His voice was so intense, but soft. I shook my head at him again.

He let my arms go, and stood up in front of me. When I felt his back turn to me, a slight breeze of cool air filling the space he left I opened my eyes. Chris walked toward his bedside and grabbed his cell phone from the nightstand.

Without hesitating even an instant, I darted upward and rushed toward him, grabbing the hand that held the cell phone in one of my fists. I looked up at him pleadingly, my eyes slowly scanning from his chin, up until I met with his eyes.

"What the hell were you thinking?" I asked directly, holding the phone in my hand behind my back, holding my eyes narrow, and attempting a proud stance as I looked up at Chris.

He looked back down at me with a straight face, one eyebrow slightly raised. "I was thinking that if I walked over here and grabbed my phone suspiciously, you'd open your eyes."

"Augh, you bastard." I reacted quickly, with what I'd say to him under normal circumstances, forgetting for a brief moment what kind of trouble I had just gotten myself into with him. I brought my hand out in front of me, still clutching the small phone in my palm, extending it out to him.

"Hey, Blondie, after what you just did I don't think you should be dealing out the names just yet." He took the phone and took a step back, sitting on the end of his bed. My eyes fell to the floor, and I reached a hand up to my forehead, slowly and concernedly rubbing my temple.

He sat still for a few moments, a plain look on his face. I noticed that he was still breathing quickly, his chest rising and falling steadily, fast paced. I was able to look back up at him, but couldn't find any words to reply with.

He looked me straight in the eyes, his blue pearls very slightly glassed, freezing me with his stare. I was caught in his eyes again, which he must have noticed, because he shut them and turned away as he spoke.

"Now what the hell was that all about?"

I swallowed hard, unable to think of a reply. When he turned slightly so that his eyes were on me again, I was the one to turn away.

"I d… on't… don't know…" I said before releasing a heavy breath. "I really don't."

It was an honest answer… I had no clue what I was doing. I felt like a zombie. Jealousy and temptation got the worst of me, and when it was all said and done, I didn't know why. The pain in my body shook me to the core. I had horrified myself so much by my actions, and I wasn't the only one paying for it. Chris had a steady girlfriend, who he had honest to God loved, and I just… went against every sense I had in order to feel some of what I was missing to Stacy.

"You can do better than that, Trish." He spoke somewhat calmly before obvious rage tore right through him. "You don't show up unannounced at someone's hotel door and kiss them without a God damned reason! I want a fucking answer, and you are going to give me one if we have to sit here the whole fucking night."

I started trembling again, after settling somewhat from a few minutes ago. It killed me to hear him so angered, and more to know that I caused it. I wanted to tell him… Lord knows I did. I wanted to confess everything, no matter what it would do to he and Stacy, and myself. I wanted him to know how I felt about him, if it wasn't totally obvious from that kiss.

My better half told me he couldn't possibly have known through the kiss, because it wasn't a kiss given for love. It was one given in misconception, out of want, and need… not love. It was almost a good thing that jealousy hid my true feelings, because I couldn't tell him. No matter how much I wanted to.

"I guess we're going to be here the whole fucking night then," I said sternly through my teeth, managing to bite back my tears for how long it took to get out those words.

"Well that's fine, because I've got all the time in the world to just sit here and wait." He stood up and walked to the far end of the room, grabbing the back of a lounge chair with both hands and pulling it to the door. I just watched as he sat the chair against the door and leaned back in it, pulling on the side handle of the recliner and crossing his legs over the rest.

"Guess Li-Li won't be seeing you for a while."

It was beginning to sound like one of our usual arguments, but this time so much more serious. So much was at stake, and my whole life was becoming hopeless as I continued to deny my love for the man in front of me… and began ruining his life the second I showed up at his door.

The only thing I knew how to do was feed him insults and threats. I had already begun the quick decline of that night's morale, why stop now?

"And what would happen if Stacy were to show up right now, finding the two of us locked in your room. I somehow find it hard to believe she'd buy any of what you'd say to her."

The second he heard Stacy's name escape my lips, he sat up completely straight, breathless, looking to kill. He stood up and walked slowly toward me, his breath reassembling, and falling out in short, deep, angered gasps through his gritted teeth.

As he walked toward me, with an anger and hatred so intense in his baby blue eyes, I followed my instinct to step back until I was cornered, and he was right up against me, looking down at my face with a demeaning leer.

I had never heard his voice so deep and utterly scary before. He whispered only loud enough so I could hear him, while he clenched his fists around my arms and held them in place at my sides, his grip growing tighter with every single breath he took.

"Cut the shit, Stratus… why the _fuck_ did you kiss me?"

I tried to sink beneath him, pull away from him as far as I could, but he refused to let me get anywhere, even an inch away. I was trapped, and if I didn't give Chris an answer… I feared death for what he would do to me.


	8. Hidden Pleasure in Defeat

The Illustration Trilogy  
  
Part 1 - Can't Wait to Love You (Chris Jericho/Trish Stratus)  
  
Rating: PG13 for language, and later mildly sexual scenes.  
  
Time Frame: None, really, though there are references and mentions of 2002. No current storylines that the characters are in play a part in this fiction.  
  
Disclaimer: The characters are all property of the WWE. The actors are property of themselves.  
  
- - - - - - - -  
  
"I, I...-" The struggling was useless at this point. The more I found myself writhing and fumbling to get free, the tighter his grip became, and the strength of that man is nothing to question, much less when he's angry.  
  
"No more 'I don't knows'," he whispered, his eyes so narrow and cold, his lips agape and quivering. It would take much longer than the time alloted for me to muster up some excuse, some way out of this. I was, in every sense, trapped.  
  
"Chris, please... let me go. I swear it was just... God, I don't know, I promise you. I don't." I swallowed, a lump falling in my throat. Helpless and so insecure, my back pinned to the door, and his body so close I had no breathing room. "I'm not lying to you, Chris... I don't know why I did it."  
  
His look that followed more than summarized every dark emotion rising in him. There were so many sides of Chris that I had never seen, and so many that I didn't want to see. I was honestly afraid. He looked me up and down as if I were a poor, pathetic animal, and from my vantage point he felt like a predator. Cowering over me in an enraged, disgusted circumstance.  
  
His grip on my wrist loosened and as immediately as I was free, I yanked my arm from the door and pressed it to the front of me, curling and tightening my fingers, then stretching and extending them to get the feeling in my hand back. For a moment I could only concentrate on the throbbing hurt in my joints, but my frightened gaze returned to his face as he released my other wrist.  
  
He was looking away, licking his lips and staring at the wall clock in his room. Shifting only my eyes, I slowly followed his glare to the clock as well, catching notion that it was far into the morning. Almost 3 AM, and lord knows how long I'd been imprisoned in his room. Lita must've given up searching for me by now.  
  
"Go. Leave. You're impossible, Trish Stratus. Im-fucking-possible, and if you're going to stand here denying any reason you may have and make ME feel unfaithful, which I am not, I give up trying." He pushed himself back from me, holding his hands out in the open, indicating to me that I was absolutely free to walk out and forget that the night had ever happened.  
  
To some degree, my prayers had just been answered, but I felt a slight feeling of betrayal in his release of me. I felt sort of used, though it had been me who was the pursuer in this case. My breathing was still incredibly heavy, but I had been able to ignore it up until now, and I realized that his pace seemed almost higher than my own.  
  
Shaking my head, I spun abruptly and fumbled with the door handle, rushing deliberately before anyone could catch me. When I finally pulled the door back into the room and rays of hallway lighting poured into the room, I stepped out without giving Chris a second glance.  
  
"Wait."  
  
I paused... cautious, petrified even... Some sort of fierce, reckless, tone appeared in his voice, along with a weary hint at an almost crestfallenness within him. Very slowly, I turned back to face him, standing just in his doorway after looking down both empty sides of the hall. My heart felt as though it was being digested inside me as I looked onto him, remaining right where he stood as I left. His index and middle fingers were pressed lightly to his lower lip and he blinked his eyes closed. His breathing was so deep and choppy, mixed with gasps and shudders, it seemed almost as if he were having a panic attack. I waited for him to speak, standing as wary of myself as I was of him.  
  
As his eyes dawdlingly opened, that sinister, malicious look was vanished. He lowered his arm and stepped up to me, and waiting not another moment, his lips were heedlessly hovering over mine. I instinctively played the follower, unaware of what to think or what was going to happen. His breath became my air, and I could feel the moisture clinging to his lips even from a distance.  
  
His arm wrapped around me, hooking in the small of my back and dragging me back into the room. He slammed the door behind, and so slowly, more slowly than I've ever experienced it before, we both moved in on each other's kiss.  
  
All thought was gone. Any inquiry, doubt, lust, need, yearning, worry... it was all gone in that second. Any thoughts or feelings inside me were completely numb at that point and all I could feel were his lips on mine. The only hint of sanity remaining in me was the knowledge that this was Chris Jericho kissing me... he was kissing me.  
  
Heat rushed from the high point of my body all the way to my toes. His lips were so soft and perfect on mine. The way he moved, everything about him was irresistible. I forgot what had even happened in that room just minutes before. I caved into him, my arms folding around his shoulders, fingers splayed over his skin. It didn't matter that he was unattainable, that he had another woman, he was mine, even if for just that night.  
  
The warmth radiating from his body plastered mine, and I felt so weak from just the touch, the electric charge that surged through me at the feel of his lips. The absolute serenity of the moment, despite how hungered and ravaging the kiss was, had fully captured me. The night we spent on the town flashed through my mind, and the only emotion present was this unmistakable love, this true, raw, passionate love that I had felt for him ever since.  
  
It felt that every angle he reached, our seemingly choreographed movements complemented one another. I wasn't the aggressor... he was giving himself to me, allowing me the taste, and I swore silently to myself that after that kiss there would be no leaving. I would have died before breaking this off.  
  
He held me so tightly to him, and quickly backed me up to the door, a position I'd been in just that night, pinned with no where to go. This time was bliss birthed from torture. The heavenly feel of him that I'd dreamt about was becoming a reality. He sustained the amount of passion and want, lust and fervor while using his hands and lips in every way possible. It seemed like an inborn fire, some sort of desire to just fix what had happened earlier into only pleasure now.  
  
I gasped into his open mouth, my need for him so obvious through my disheartened whimpers as he broke for air. I grabbed at his back and pulled him against me, my thirst and craving for him most willingly left perceptible.  
  
I still didn't know Chris's motives, but at the time I couldn't care less. His tongue plunged into my accepting mouth, flicking at my own, prurient and savage. A moan escaped from within me, clearing my willingness, my desire for him. My nails dug into his shoulders, and my knees gave way at his actions.  
  
That was the exact moment that all of my senses returned, and the passion switch flipped to neutral. My eyes shot open and I suddenly realized where I was, and what exactly Chris was doing. I couldn't have been happier that it was happening after so long pining for him from afar, but my fantasy of how this should all have happened was broken and battered without sympathy.  
  
Chris pulled back again, breathless, as he left me as well. And I could do nothing but stare into his eyes, his expression finally showing that his senses had returned as well. He immediately stepped back from me, and wide-eyed, looked into a vacant corner of the room searching for his own reasoning, his own explanation.  
  
"You're not unfaithful, huh?" I continued staring at him, passion still evident, the love I've harbored for years still crystal clear, but a look of disgust mixed amongst them as well.  
  
He shook his head at me, a sickened, angered leer burning into me. "Get out," he said, pointing to the door. As I stood watching onto him, ignoring his demand for a brief moment, I saw his satisfaction of our long overdue kiss. Licking his lips, and wiping the corners of his mouth with the pad of his thumb, his eyes slowly closed. As he wrapped his lips around that part of his thumb, it brought a smile to my face. I could still taste him on my lips as well. That wouldn't be leaving anytime soon. His eyes flew open and rested narrow on me again.  
  
"Get the hell out of my room."  
  
I kept my gaze on him sincere, but I could only smile at his words, and giggle just a bit. I raised an extended index finger to my lips and breathed lightly onto it, 'shhh'. My grin returned and I left through the door without another word.  
  
- - - - - - - -  
  
Ahh, well... so sorry, guys. I've been having computer trouble as of late. It's taken a while to get around that, not to mention problems with family and friends and normal everyday shit like that. But, I've finally got another chapter up! Pardon the format of the beginning credits and stuff... this was done on a different computer and I don't have all of the stuff saved like it was on my other one. Man, I'm bad at explaining things. Well bare with me, and please R&R! ( 


End file.
